Category: self help

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self help

For the Love of Math, 2

Mar 20, 2018 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 5 min read · ; ; ; .

According to a popular 2017 review by famous researchers Robert Siegler and David Braithwaite there are certain deep-rooted and fundamental cultural differences and curricular exigencies that make learning arithmetic difficult for learners from one country to another. Cross-culturally, problems in math learning arise especially during the phase when learning properties of whole numbers are extended to include all other types of numbers. Two particular concepts; (1) Numerical magnitudes and (2) Rational number arithmetic, and how well teachers understand and teach these are critical to our own mastery of numbers. This is regardless of how intelligent we are and irrespective of our linguistic or mathematical ability. The present post is an attempt to elucidate these findings.

When do we start learning whole numbers and fractions?

The average child between three and five years has no difficulty in picking up numbers from zero to ten, which extends to 100 by seven years and beyond 1000 by twelve years.  Fractions between 0 and 1 are picked up around eight years of age, while all other fractions are learnt post eleven years of age

By Damien Karras (Own work), via Wikimedia Commons

What is numerical magnitude and rational number arithmetic?

(1) Numerical magnitude understanding means the ability to comprehend, gauge (order) and compare the sizes of numbers (whole numbers as well as fractions). Such representations form the basics of math learning and are applicable in real-life. Known as the Weber-Fechner law of perception, mastery over numerical magnitudes gets generalized into real life situations where discrimination between two numbers becomes increasingly difficult as the difference between them decreases. The “distance effect” as it is called is seen when for instance, one is shopping around for discounts. While one might travel up and down a department store to get a large percentage discount on small items, one won’t make a similar effort on very large purchases where smaller percentage discounts are offered. In short, one fails to compare the absolute rupee amount saved when comparing the aforementioned two cases.(2) Rational number arithmetic comprises ratios of numbers expressed as fractions. Whereas neuroscience data from several experiments locate similar areas of the brain where processing of fraction and whole number magnitudes takes place, there are problems that arise during the learning process when properties of whole numbers are generalized to all other types of numbers.

Why cant one generalize properties of some numbers (natural, whole, integers) to all other (rational) numbers?

In order to demonstrate this idea we present a few problems.
(1) In contrast to whole numbers that are represented with one single symbols (such as “2” for two), fractions can be represented in several different ways (1/2 or 2/4 or 3/6).
(2) When one multiplies natural numbers like 2 x 3, the product is always larger than either 2 or 3, this is not the case however when you multiply numbers between 0 and 1 (1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4).
(3) Similarly if you add whole numbers (0 + 2 = 2), the resulting number is never smaller than either addend, however this is not the case while adding negatives.

What is the point I am making?

Lewis Carroll, via Wikimedia Commons
“And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!”

 

Rational number arithmetic is something that is hoisted upon unsuspecting 8 year olds, who see it as one does the nonsensical poem Jabberwocky by Lewis Caroll. Teachers must decode both the logic and language of this math through a process of guided discovery and play, but above-all encouragement for their students. To those students who, like me, have unfortunately endured unkind or obnoxious math teachers at some junction, I leave you with a continuation of part of a quote by Chef.Auguste Gusteau from Pixars animation Ratatouille,

“You must be imaginative, strong-hearted. You must try things that may not work, and you must not let anyone define your limits”

In todays day and age of information dissemination via the internet, the sky is literally the limit.

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self help

For the Love of Math, 1

Feb 20, 2018 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 4 min read · ; ; ; ; .

Srinivasa Ramanujan via Wikipedia Commons

My father, a south-Indian from a traditional Coimbatore home, was passionate about numbers and my childhood was spent listening to stories of very particular hero’s; No, not Wonder woman – He told me about Srinivasa Ramanujan who he said, finished a three hour math exam in thirty minutes and came up with multiple solutions to a particular problem, some of which stumped his teachers. His mother was a housewife and father was a clerk in a sari shop. Another hero in my father’s world was Shakuntala Devi. He had once seen her calculate up to the 20th square root of a 200 digit number within minutes. Her father worked in a circus as a trapeze artist.

This brings us to the moot question – “Are hero’s born or bred and could there actually exist this dichotomy of mathkind and the others?”

Google doodle of Shakuntala Devi via Vanderelbe.de under the CC license

Much before a child starts formally learning mathematics, she has some conceptual understanding of numeracy. This preschool “number sense” includes knowing the difference between more and less, big and small. Children are also introduced to the vocabulary of mathematics that derives from Latin and Classical Greek, eventually including, interpretation of signs, symbols, syntax and semantics. Sir Micheal Rutter who has written extensively on the field of behavioral genetics claims that genes operate through the environment and hence function in probabilistic not deterministic ways.

So, even if in the remote future they find a gene for mathematics, one cannot discount the role of the pedagogue and how math is taught.  This underlines the quality of classrooms math instruction and teacher expectations of student performance, especially of those students that I previously labeled “the others.” It is a well documented fact that several math educators, either when not rigorous in their own understanding, or when unable to communicate technique, depend solely on rote memorization to teach children in classrooms. Furthermore, textbooks and teachers do not demonstrate contrasting explanations to a particular question, so that when rules have to be expanded or generalized across all types of numbers (whole to rational, for instance), children get confused or resist. As a result, math anxiety develops amongst those who are already averse to the subject. When teachers expect some students to perform worse than others, studies show that indeed, they do. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Johann Peter Hasenclever, via Wikimedia Commons

Canadian, Dr. John Mighton, is an educator whose focus is on math instruction and the need to replace mathematical anxiety with a mathematical appetite. His not-for-profit organization “JUMP Math” addresses the aforementioned issues and believes in the premise that anyone can learn math and anyone can teach it. Montessori education too, very early on, emphases the need to teach children, the relation of numerical symbols to beautiful concrete real-life things, in classrooms but especially out of the classroom and for instance, in nature.

Much like Chef. Gusteau from Pixars animation Ratatouille who believed that “tout le monde peut cuisiner” or “Anyone can cook”, mathematics is a universal language that is important for survival. It is the responsibility of educators to make learning it pleasurable and accessible to all.

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self help

Burn After Reading

Jan 20, 2018 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 5 min read · ; ; .
“Neither of them can stand the person they’re married to. … Can’t stand them.” She looked at Myrtle and then at Tom. “What I say is, why go on living with them if they can’t stand them?”
– The Great Gatsby

What is infidelity?

When a couple chooses to be emotionally and sexually exclusive to one another, a violation of this arrangement by one or both partners amounts to infidelity. This includes not just penile/vaginal intercourse, oral sex or anal sex but may also include a partner engaging in nonsexual behaviors such as sharing intimate feelings, thoughts and time in secrecy with an extramarital same or opposite sex partner. More recently, this definition has included internet infidelity as well.

Photo by Kaitlyn Baker on Unsplash

What are open marriages, swingers and polyamorous relationships?

An open marriage involves a willingness by both partners of a couple to engage in sexual relationships outside of their primary relationship with each other. There is a great deal of honesty of both partners about their outside relationships. A swinger lifestyle is one were couples jointly share partners with other couples, or in groups, solely for sexual purposes. Polyamorous relationships involve sexual and emotional involvement with more than one partner and is more often seen among a few members of the LGBTQ community. There is comparatively very little research done in this last category.

Are there couples who agree that sexual or nonsexual behaviors do not amount to infidelity?

Yes, Absolutely! The key phrase here is ‘open communication’ – If both partners in a couple have clear and considerate conversations about sharing a relationship with a partner outside of their primary relationship and if there is no ambiguity between them about what represents infidelity or constitutes an affair, then this can work.

When does a couple seek help?

When a partner witnesses or stumbles upon evidence of a relationship outside of the primary one and when such a relationship is unacceptable, then it may constitute a crisis for both partners especially if it stays unresolved. In some cases, when partners indulge in behaviours that are either one-sided or not fully thought-through, it can lead to a downward spiral in the partnership or marriage.

What happens during the first few therapy sessions for couples in such cases?

To begin with it is established if the couple wishes to salvage the relationship, to clarify the future of the relationship and the affair or is determined to end the relationship under the best possible terms, especially if there are children involved.

The learning curve

1. Partners must both agree on appropriate emotional, social, and sexual boundaries with others


2. Vexed partner must be keen on and able to forgive in order to rebuild the relationship. If this is not possible, then the goal for therapy should be a dignified separation.


3. The next step is for the partners to demonstrate a commitment in reconstructing the relationship. This is hard work and needs time along with the inclination.


4. There is an agreement on concrete and specific values that are to be exercised in the reconstructed relationship. Rebuilding of trust begins here.


5. If this attempt does not succeed, clients work on agreeing to separate respectfully. It is important to gain and understanding into what led to the breaking of the commitment to faithfulness, so as to gain closure.

References :

Hertlein, K. M., Wetchler, J. L., & Piercy, F. P. (2005). Infidelity: An Overview. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 4 (2-3), 5-16.

O’Leary, K. D., Heyman, R. E., & Jongsma Jr, A. E. (2015). The Couples Psychotherapy Treatment Planner, with DSM-5 Updates. John Wiley & Sons.

Stefano, D., & Oala, M. (2008) . “Extramarital affairs: Basic considerations and essential tasks in clinical work.” The Family Journal, 16 (1), 13-19.

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self help

Despicable Me

Dec 20, 2017 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 5 min read · ; ; ; .

I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”
– Andrea, The Devil Wears Prada

Are women becoming thinner or being made to feel fatter?

Research has shown that the bodies of Playboy centrefold’s became increasingly thinner between 1959 and 1978, a trend that continued until ‘88, levelled off around the 80’s, and then slightly reversed between 2000 and 2014. More recently, advocacy by large corporations such as Unilever, and legislation banning underweight models in France, have made small moves toward countering the trend toward thinness.

 

But “fat panic” continues. “Obesity is the terror within,” decried America’s Surgeon General, Richard Carmona “Unless we do something about it,” he continued, “the magnitude of the dilemma will dwarf 9/11 or any other terrorist attempt.” Just imagine the Surgeon General’s words cast in metal type, the kind used in a printing press. Now imagine this type being pressed into your memory. This is how stereotypes work. And stereotypes about obesity have been at work for a long time. Professor Elena Levy-Navarro’s book demonstrates that, as long ago as the 16th century, physical attributes gradually became discriminatory in some cultures. Such attributions are plain wrong, scientifically and aesthetically. When popular discourses focus on the morality of our body frames, they devalue everything else that makes us beautiful and that gives meaning to our lives. Obsession with our shape and weight distracts from things that are much more important to a healthy life: love, play, work, nutritional soundness. There is a whole branch of psychology dedicated to conducting research with this goal.

 

As part of a natural experiment, be observant the next time you pass by a rural Indian village or in your own home.  The vibrant women (and men), especially those working non-stop in the field, in a factory or as house-help come in all moulds. If under-nutrition is a big problem amongst the Indian lower classes, by popular reasoning they should burn more calories than they consume.  It therefore follows, that they should all tout ‘to-die-for’ figures. That obviously isn’t the case. You see heterogeneity before you. This mix does not reflect how healthy or happy these individuals are.

 

Cultivate the need to primarily understand and unconditionally accept the root cause of your suffering. A mirror does not reflect who you are. How attractive you feel is not measured by that number you see on your weighing scale. You can be sexually formidable and  live fully and meaningfully irrespective of your body-frame.

Hercules And the Beautiful Omphale by François Boucher via Wikipedia Commons

The Learning Curve

1. Tell yourself that there is no wrong way to have a body. Your size does not measure your beauty or your worth. If people judge you morally using your body weight or type, this is “body shaming.” It is usually followed up by well-meaning (but unsolicited) advice on your diet, weight and lifestyle.


2. Overemphasis on and dissatisfaction with your physical features can lead to feelings of sadness, inadequacy, low self-worth and unattractiveness. If you feel this way often, get in touch with your psychologist. He/she may be able to help you.


3. A body image is an emotional image that you have of you weight and shape – It is the thoughts that accompany how you “feel” you look. It is the behaviors (and neuroticism) that accompanies your beliefs about your body weight and shape. Oftentimes it has little to do with your actual weight and shape.


4. Ask your psychologist about “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” (ACT) – a form behavioral therapy that is known to be effective and evidence based in helping you feel better about your body shape and frame

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self help

Prozac Nation

Nov 20, 2017 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 4 min read · ; ; .

For that was the terrible power of the dementors: to force their victims to relive the worst memories of their lives, and drown, powerless, in their own despair…
– J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Edmund Husserl Image under the CC license By Arturo Espinosa

Edmund Husserl, a German philosopher established the field of phenomenology, the science of how things are experienced subjectively by us. In his opinion, we can better resonate with someone else especially when we share a context with them.  Suffering from depression, it appears, feels as though nobody shares your world, your context, and you are all alone. You feel otherworldly, empty, heavy and in pain. There is no hope. Your life circumstances are not so bad, (although they might be in other cases). You look like the alien. People don’t get you. They ask you to just “snap out of it.” You think to yourself, if that were the case, why would  I “snap into it” to begin with. They just don’t get it. That you are so stuck. There seems no way out. You feel like nobody can help you. If you suffer from depression, be assured that what you feel is real, it is authentic. Time has probably, indeed slowed down for you.

Under the CC license from the National Archives Archeological Site , via Wikimedia Commons

How is (normal) sadness different from sadness in clinical depression?

Normal sadness is not the same as sadness in clinical depression. Researchers Horwitz and Wakefield (2007) point out 3 differences between these two types. They say that normal sadness is context-specific. It is proportionately intense to the provoking loss and most important, it resolves when the loss ends. Brown and Harris (1978) write on the Social Origins of Depression and identify how stressors, protective and risk factors contribute to the illness. Recent research emphasizes how you could have everything going for you, and yet be clinically depressed. You could be an infant, a child, an adolescent, an adult, or elderly person, male or female and suffer from depression. Depression can also co-occur with chronic illnesses,  cardiovascular diseases, post-pregnancy and during menopause.

The Learning Curve

1. Tell someone. Get them to get an appointment with a psychiatrist that they think you will most likely get along with both ideologically, and whom they consider medically sound. Give it 2 months.


2. Start psychotherapy after 2 months to build your resilience.


3. Until then, getting through the day is all you need to do, treat yourself like a person with a disability. Don’t set goals so high that you set yourself up for disappointment. Brushing your teeth, eating, bathing should be your goals. 3. After the depression lifts, cognitive behavioral therapy works via various mechanisms. Primarily, we work on small behavioral (not emotional) goals. Baby steps.


4. Next we work on early experiences that contribute to the formation of your belief systems. An example of a belief system, ‘Ghosts are real’. If you believe so, your behavior will reflect this belief. You will feel anxious if you are faced with certain triggers. This will not apply to someone who believes that ‘Ghosts don’t exist’


5. Next, we work on your triggers, your assumptions, your negative thoughts, your attributions, your avoidance behaviours and your emotions. In this manner, cognitive behavioral therapy helps you while recovering from a major episode but also afterward, when you are trying to build your resilience.

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Crime and Punishment

Oct 20, 2017 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 5 min read · ; .

“The genetics load the gun, personality and psychology aim it, and experiences pull the trigger, typically.”
– Jim Clemente (FBI profiler) said of the 2017 Las Vegas (USA) massacre that left 58 people dead and 851 injured.

There are various views amongst psychologists to explain deviances in human behaviour and aggression, but we are far from a consensus. One view maintains that a terrorist either has antisocial personality disorder or is a psychopath. This means that he either shows a chronic pattern of behavior that violates social norms (such as stealing or cheating) or has a personality disposition that is marked by a core emotional and information processing deficit with a tendency to ignore environmental cues such as danger or punishment. He lacks remorse or empathy and is impulsive. Many researchers are of the opinion that childhood neglect, physical abuse, psychological abuse or extreme unfair disadvantage are involved in driving unstable personalities to eventually commit crimes. Unfortunately, however, research has also shown that there are no specific familial, educational, or socioeconomic factors that can explain something like religious radicalization that leads to suicide terrorism.
In his book, “The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil,” Social Psychologist Dr.Philip Zimbardo warns that ‘good’ people such as yourself, can be made to do contemptible things by systematically manipulating your belief systems over time. Changes can be brought about in your personality and behavior that you didn’t know were possible.

Under the CC license By Sailko – Own work

The Mahabharata an ancient Hindu-Indian epic on war, similarly reveals plots and sub-plots that focus not just on genetics and personality, but also on circumstances that motivate action. In short, it blurs the line between good and evil. In one interpretation Devdutt Pattnaik who writes on the relevance of mythology in modern times, alludes to the war at Kuru-kshetra between the two clans, the Pandavas and Kauravas, as a war about Dharma, which he equals to human potential and not blind faith. He clarifies that Dharma is about gaining better control of ourselves, and hence such a war has no losers. Within the sub-plots of the larger story occur instances of actions that are motivated by a need for justice. Revenge and the need for retribution leads to rationales that, in our mind, justify our actions. One man’s terrorist becomes another’s freedom fighter. In such a struggle, each opponent believes that they are right and the other is wrong. Charismatic leaders are known to kindle the humiliation and insult that elicits destructive impulses in their subjects, as has been seen several times in human history, and that we are presently witnessing in the world.

Photo by Sarah Ball on Unsplash

What then must we do?

Whereas we know that human beings are aggressors by nature, science has also established that we have the capacity for emotional modulation or self-regulation. One (of many) such mechanisms is via the Buddhist practice of mindfulness which we know enhances cognitive control. This practice is known to help one establish a receptive awareness of inner and outer experiences, temporarily leaving out analysis and evaluation of one’s current situation. The practice neither focuses on the past nor the future. Outcomes include better attention and decision-making capacity. In psychotherapy, a similar approach is used to gain insights into emotional disturbances and help move toward a state of well being. Dr. Adele Diamond, listed as one of the 15 most influential neuroscientists in the world, works in the area of early development of cognitive control, and emphasizes the role of play, dance and music in early life.  Although one cannot discount the role of genetics and personality, there is a shift in focus of psychological sciences toward building resilience and cultivating experiences of love, work and play.

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self help

Father of the Bride

Sep 20, 2017 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 5 min read · ; ; ; .

“Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with Samurai swords”
– O-Ren Ishii, from Kill Bill I

So what if N hit T last week? She must’ve done something to provoke him. I know T from birth. She has many flaws. She is not as innocent as she wants you to believe (Woh bhi koi doodh ki dhuli nahin hai). Besides, she has never earned a single penny in life. She doesn’t know what it means to live alone, let alone to live in a conservative Indian neighborhood where people will point fingers at her, ” said the concerned and loving father of 40 year old T, a housewife from a very privileged background who moved in high society social circles, and who initially came to me for clinical depression.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Firstly, let there be no doubt in your mind that the evidence is robust when it comes to witnessing intimate partner violence for all the victims concerned (wife and kids).Sensitive children who live with it are likely to be emotionally incompetent wrecks, and it doesn’t matter whether they are European, American or Indian. There is no Indian superhero gene that protects our kids any more than anyone else. Kids, however tend to imitate easily. So dear father, please remember that you shape your childs’ ability to be emotionally stable and competent, qualities that are fundamental to being healthy adults. And, dear Indian father-of-the-bride, India in 2017 does not have the same gender structural inequalities and patriarchal cultural norms that it did in 1917. The daughter that you held in your arms as a baby, has been physically abused. Limiting her access to emotional (love), economic (family support) and legal resources, is not saving her family. For whatever reason, if a spouse has raised his hand, he is a batterer. Call him that. Your daughter is a victim who has experienced humiliation, a decreased sense of power and uncertainty about the next flare up. She needs to be empowered, regain her confidence and self-worth and heal. There is no question, you need to be by her side, whatever the origin of the conflict.

The learning curve

1. Safety first. In June, 2017, 44 countries signed the “Convention on preventing and combating violence against women and domestic violence” that highlighted the four P’s: Prevention, Protection and Support of Victims, Prosecution of Offenders, and Integrating Policies. Know the law in your country.


2. Get into therapy with a qualified therapist, both individual and couples therapy. Anger management, impulse-control therapy for helping you to communicate peacefully and medication where required.


3. Feeling unfairly persecuted. “I hit her because she provoked me”
Dear husband, are you justifying your battering behavior? Are you rationalizing pounding your partner? Are you trying to enforce behaviors at home by assaulting your spouse? Are you trying to solve problems by thrashing her? You have a problem. You have violent outburst. You need to see a doctor, a psychiatrist, a therapist or all three and unlearn your behaviors. First of all, own up to your problem and get treated. Your problem as a couple comes next. Getting treated for your impulse control is not a guarantee that your relationship will work out, but it is a shot that is good for your own health.


4. Drug misuse/abuse: If this is the case, rehabilitation is what you need. Until then, the family needs distance and protection from you (the spouse)


5. For you, dear victim. Make it your purpose to secure yourself, your body, your mind. Don’t take any hasty decisions, but don’t let fear, your parent or your spouse dominate your choices for your chance at safety and security.

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self help

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Aug 20, 2017 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 4 min read · ; .

[to Simon Bishop] “Nelly, you’re a disgrace to depression.”
– Melvin Udall, As Good As it Gets

“The only memory of my father I have is the regular beating we got from him. He died young of liver cirrhosis. My mother had psychotic episodes, but at the time we did not know what to call it. She died young. We were raised by a rich uncle who remained a bachelor. I have my own law-firm in Mumbai. I have a beautiful wife & two daughters. I live in a grand sea-facing apartment. What more could I ask for, right? A few years back, I started noticing how incredibly lonely and miserable I felt. I avoided parties. I started drinking a lot. I felt guilty yet helpless. I looked down the balcony of my building, and the thought occurred to me several times…should I, or shouldn’t I?

Image under the CC license by World Economic Forum

And then, one morning I read an interview. Someone with a penchant for badminton like myself– constantly being judged, and who’s image, like mine, depended a great deal on public perception, above all, a woman – society is less forgiving to them, Deepika Padukone ‘came out’ on her struggle with depression. I decided, to hell with what people think, I need to fix this problem before it kills me. At first, my friends tried hard to get me to do yoga and pranayama – their solution to all of life’s problems. When this did not work, my wife pushed me into seeing a psychiatrist friend of hers. Later, I was referred to you, to sort out my issues” Ms.Padukone saved one life that day

A decade ago, Dr.Dinesh Bhugra who is currently president of the World Psychiatric Association, on an investigation of how mental illness is portrayed in Bollywood. Until that day however, I had never paid heed to the role of celebrities, media, television and books on my profession. I seldom watched movies, TV was a no-no. I read up on how popular media has sometimes helped fight the stigma while at other times fostered more prejudice. Either way, the masses connected with these mediums. I made it my job to watch as many movies as I could, keep abreast of the latest trends and read biographies. At parties, I have conversations about them. The oscillation between enkindling the desire to seek psychiatric help and extinguishing that very desire varies between storylines and people. I make it my business to understand how an audience internalizes these portrayals and how they get influenced by antipathetic scripts.

Scientific literature seems to suggest that the dramatic nature of character representations can amplify emotional effects and can motivate paradigm shifts in peoples attitudes. In therapy, I need for my clients to have not just intellectual but also emotional insights, “an epiphany”, if you will. I oftentimes therefore, use examples from movies during interventions. I regularly prescribe biographies, readings, animations and movies.
My all time favorite prose, and one that I apply to my own life is from the Harry Potter series. It is a charm called “Riddikulus!” that makes Bogarts (that manifests into a form of something you truly fear) less threatening.

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self help

Sex and the City

Jul 20, 2017 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 4 min read · ; ; ; .
Physics is like sex: Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.  — Richard Feynman

“I have a 2 year old, that constantly tugs at us and still wakes up twice every night. She sleeps in our bed. Anita and I work an 8 to 8 job. We’ve been together for 6 years. Her body looks like a battlefield. These celebrity billboards …set the bar high. We can count the number of times we have sex in a year. When we do, it feels like a learned motion. How the hell do I navigate my sexual desires and hers – the sexual clashes that we have, and does that even matter for our satisfaction as a couple in the long run?” I told my client about an interesting 2017 review of research on human relationships by the scientist Amy Muise. It mentioned the “self-determination theory” in sexual happiness and couple well-being. Women (and men) who have sex for the sake of sex, because they enjoy being sexual or because of the pleasure derived from sharing an intimate experience are best off. Those that indulge in sexual acts for reasons that have to do with “control” such as feeling bad to withhold from a partner or feeling pressurized to have sex (for fear that the partner will seek intimacy outside of the relationship) are worse off. Being on the same page (sexually), BOTH partners enjoying the autonomy, the competence and the feeling “sexually connected” is associated with an ultimately positive sexual experience that leaves you wanting for more…

The Learning Curve

1. Understand that “Sex with no head, is like sandwich with no bread” – Its true. The neurons of the ventral tegmental area also associated with the natural reward circuitry of the brain (and orgasms) produce the neurotransmitter dopamine and pump it to several other brain areas.


2. In layman terms, you’ve both gotto be digging it. It’s not just enough that YOU feel sexy, in control and turned on. It is equally important that your partner feel the same way. Whatever works to get yourself there, “Just Do it.” That means, working on your relationship. On saying “Please, Thank you, and Sorry.”


3. Love thy body. Teach your partner to love her/his too. It requires you to filter out all that crap fed to you by the media. The body-image peddlers, the pushers. The ones that sell “clean-shaven” and “unblemished” as beautiful.


4. Start learning to be disinhibited and to express your needs to your partner. You may think you dislike the smell, taste or look of something. Unlearn these oceans of notions. If your partner enjoys something, if it’s safe and not painful, go for it.


5. Mutual consent. Remember that positive sexually-emotional experiences for BOTH, beget the need for more such escapades. If either person is even slightly reluctant or feels obliged, back-off and start from top again, from the head.