Category: self help

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self help

Mental Health and Sportspersons

Mar 28, 2021 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 9 min read · ; ; ; .

“Pressure? There is no pressure in Test cricket. Real pressure is when you are flying a Mosquito with a Messerschmitt up your ar*e” said Keith Miller lover of music, cricketer and a World War II fighter pilot to boot, a man I wish I knew (from the many stories I hear about him). But being an athlete is not as easy as Miller made it out to be. In fact, it is one of the hardest life decisions a person can take. In addition to the fierce physical training and exhaustion, you have to learn to take hits below the belt and roll with the punches. This is apart from the risk that you carry of your career never taking off, or a rocking career nosediving after an injury. To add, there is  intense competition, constant media scrutiny (personal and professional) and the looming threat of retirement before the average adult retirement age.

 

When I read that Ritika Phogat, all of 17 years, died by suicide and the suspicion was that she might have been upset over having lost the final of a state-level junior wrestling tournament by a single point, it broke my heart, as I’m sure it did others. It is hard enough being an Indian sportsperson, but being an Indian female sportsperson is even harder.

I grew up with PT Usha or Payyoli express as we knew her being the only role model in school who had qualified for the 1980 Olympics. I identified with her (she looked dark skinned and like me -was Indian) and wanted to be like her and I managed to make It to the district level 100 and 200metres. This is where I met my competitors. Girls who, unlike me, came from modest backgrounds and had only one single objective – to make it to the Nationals. I wore expensive athletic spikes, some of them were barefoot (at a time when we didn’t know that barefoot was actually a better option).  While sports was a hobby for me, it was their whole and soul. It owned their bodies but more importantly their minds. They thought of nothing else. Of course I lost, but I came back feeling proud of participating and being told how amazing it was that I could be an “all rounder” who studied and played. All work and no play, made Jill a dull girl, and I was anything but. And – Of course they won. But, their win was micro-analyzed. What was their timing? Did they have a better timing last time? Does someone else in India have a better timing than them? Was there any unfairness from the referees?

 

My respect for athletes is immense. They live a life under constant pressure. Pressure is not the same as stress. As a psychologist I therefore cannot emphasize enough how important it is to train sports minds in what is to come i.e. “Pressure management” because pressure affects the brain. It can negatively impact split-second judgement and decision-making ability. This is also why some athletes perform worse under pressure and others train to perform the same under pressure as they would when not under pressure. The idea that athletes perform “better” under pressure, popularized by movies where you see some superheroic win at some poignant last moment, are few and far between. In fact they are so rare, you could probably pin them down to“luck.”  Authors Hendrie Weisinger and Pawliw-Fri, in their book “Performance under pressure, the science of doing your best when it matters most” speak of  pressure to perform as arising from various sources. For a young mind, they say the goal should be to lessen the injurious effects of this pressure on the mind, because one cannot really control sources of pressure.

Pressure management: The how

According to science, if you are training to be an athelete, you also need to be trained in what is called a “pressure mind shifts.” This involves doing away with the myth of being a “superhero” or of “rising to the occasion” last minute. This trying too hard negatively affects performance. Instead, in pressure management, the idea is to employ behavioural techniques to inoculate an athlete against pressure, much like you can inoculate yourself against infections by taking vaccinations. “Cognitive reframing” of an athletes internal dialogue is meticulously done by psychologists. They are also trained to not become defensive when criticized amongst other thing.

Who is most at risk for suicide?

A popular psychology book on suicide in professional and amateur athletes by David Lester and John Gunn details psychological strain in athletes. It highlights the attitude of “deliver or suffer” in tournaments and outlines the risk factors for suicide as being steroid or substance misuse, concussions or traumatic brain injury and psychiatric disorders. It also warns of the psychological effects of losing a game, dealing with social pressures, trolling and bad press, loneliness and strained relationships. Underlying all of this lies a stigma that can make it difficult for athletes to approach their coaches or teammates for help. Said one of my clients “What if the coach thinks I’m weak and not good enough. I won’t make the national team. I have worked so hard to get here. Years of no sleep, not even a bar of chocolate. It’s best I say nothing.” To add to the strain, he stressed on the fact that he had no friends outside of his competitive sports circle, he had lost his childhood because of constantly being on the field, he had missed school, he had missed birthdays and celebrations on account of putting sports first and he had to deal with the politics of competing. At 16, he had been seriously depressed after losing out on an opportunity and did not know whom to go to, to share his pain. He was convinced the decision taken against him was unfair. He started to lose weight, lose motivation, lose sleep and lose the will to live. His entire identity, as a sportsman, was being questioned as a result of this one loss. His parents were too busy making ends meet and driving him to and from practices, adding to his guilt of “failing them” as a son. What was he to do? Where was he to go? Would it further affect his ratings if he displayed any weakness?

Psychologists on sports teams

Just like the army employs mental health specialists who are trained for the mental and emotional well-being of Army soldiers (and not just their performance) it is important to have clinical psychologists on sports teams. In both cases confidentiality is of utmost importance. Educating coaches and teams to understand that it will not ruin a career to admit the need for help, but in fact, may better chances at staying in the game longer, is not just necessary – it is indispensable. It will not only avoid unnecessary deaths, but it might help to improve the quality of life of entire sports families. 

Let us not blind-side the mental health of young sportspersons.  Let us literally give them a “head start”

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self help

Of Aha Moments and Enlightenment

Feb 14, 2021 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 4 min read · ; ; ; ; .

In 2009 the insurance company “Mutual” of Omaha claimed to be the “official sponsor of the aha moment” and applied to trademark the phrase. Oprah Winfrey’s Harpo Productions Inc. challenged this because they claimed that Winfrey regularly uses the phrase “an aha moment” on her television program and it was synonymous with her. The story that we are more familiar with, however, is of Archimedes, who whilst sitting in an overfull hot tub bath noticed some water spilling over the side and suddenly had a flash of insight. He deduced that the volume of the water spilt over would have to be the same as the volume of his body that was spilling it. Legend has it, this Eureka! moment caused him to ran naked down the street in jubilation.

What is an insight?

In psychology, an insight is a new way of understanding connections between things. Insights often lead to significant emotional shifts. Psychologists strive for their clients to not only achieve intellectual sagenesses but for those revelations to actually trickle-down to observable behavioural changes. In Marathi there is a phrase “कळतंय पण वळत नाही” which essentially means the same thing. An appreciation of “why something occurs” is of no use by itself.

Insights and motivation

We often find ourselves needing to make lifestyle changes on account of our health. Take for example cessation of certain behaviours such as smoking cigarettes. While we might know “Smoking is injurious to health, ” the thought and intention need to translate into a very functional paradigm. This would happen only if there is an emotional insight, an “aha” moment that shakes you into action. If you were to be told that you have lung cancer and if you had the desire to live long you might have to quite smoking nicotine, that sudden intellectual insight would instantly translate into an emotional one – “this rule applies to me!” (i.e. smoking is indeed really injurious to my health). Your motivation to kick the butt would then be less difficult. In normal circumstances, you would’ve been less motivated if you though the rule applied to other people but not to you.

Are we there yet?

Being shocked into an insight is not the only way to get there.  Some insights give you a sense of wonder and enlightenment. Buddhists often meditate because they believe it helps awaken “truth” – and the “full comprehension of the world.” Hindus believe that moksha (liberation) or mukti (letting go) – both deep insights- bring to an end all suffering. The more physical disciplines of Yoga are reported to facilitate gaining insights.  Letting go and being able to pause and reflect is key to all forms of insights. Insights enable positive changes. Once you have an insight, you cannot go back in time to the moment you were in before. In psychotherapy insights help with gaining perspective. They help with closure and hence with healing and moving on.  You cannot speed an insight up. It requires that you, in fact, slow down. 

When a motivated and eager student approaches a spiritual guru and asks how long it would take him to achieve enlightenment, the master replies “10 years.” The student says to the guru, “I will work harder. I will work more. I won’t take breaks. How many years will it take me then?”

The master replies “In that case, it will take you 20 years.”

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self help

Emotional Wealth in Times of Economic Depression

Jun 20, 2020 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 5 min read · ; ; ; .

To flourish is an act and not a state. This act is choice-worthy in its own right (Aristotle).

This means that flourishing is not exclusively dependent on a circumstance (rich/poor, lockdown/no lockdown, healthy/sick), but rather a state of mind, no matter the circumstance. A living example for me was my grandmother. She had a rudimentary education, an alcoholic husband, a son with a schizoaffective disorder, and limited financial resources. She eventually went blind – plenty of reasons not to be happy. Yet she flourished.

Despite their poor circumstances, Why do some people display such high self-esteem, vitality, determination, optimism, an interest in life and politics, and a constant active engagement with people? These are the questions that motivated my PhD research in the Netherlands. I spent several thousand hours interviewing young and poor Indian children trying to understand how they develop physically and psychologically when the odds were stacked against them. The lockdown gave me an opportunity to revisit some of the interviews I had marked as “unique” because I was amazed at the durability and buoyancy I heard from these young voices.

One of those interviews was with a teenage girl who had woken up at 5 am that morning to cook and feed her younger siblings, and then carry the day’s water supply from a distant pipeline. This was after spending a restless night in her family’s make-shift hut, which had been inundated with water after a heavy rain. When I met her at noon, she had just trotted into school and was in visibly good spirits. Her interview suggested she was very well aware of her predicament, but had chosen “self-sufficiency for its own sake.” She felt happy about the fact that she dealt efficiently with whatever were her circumstances and had made the best of what she had. She was unable to do some chores, and this, too, did not bother her. In her words, “It is what it is. I did what I could, and then I stopped.”

Aaji and me (2019)
A living example for me was my grandmother. She had a rudimentary education, an alcoholic husband, a son with a schizoaffective disorder, and limited financial resources. She eventually went blind – plenty of reasons not to be happy. Yet she flourished.

Could it really be that elementary?

When Artistotle wrote of self-sufficiency, he did not refer to it as an economic notion i.e. It was not economic independence but rather a “feeling of fulfilment” that he spoke of. Today, a majority of the world is in economic despair and we are giving up our fixation on “the good lifestyle” in exchange for the more basic requirements. We are bombarded with news of constant death and debt. Doom, doom, and more doom. But we have a psychological choice we can make even in these shitty circumstances: Should we languish or flourish? Psychologist BJ Fowers states that when we find meaning and purpose in whatever activity we undertake, we already make the choice to flourish. Finding purpose in the mundane is not a one-time choice, but a moment-to-moment choice pattern. The “growth” that you see when you make this investment cannot be physically measured. Like the girl in my interview, emotional and spiritual outcomes contribute to your resilience, well-being, happiness, your “quality of life,” the thing that all of us are pursuing.

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and holocaust survivor witnessed the death of his unborn child, wife, mother, father and brother in concentration camps, and went on to live a fulfilling life. In his book Man’s Search for Meaning (1946) he wrote “A human being is a deciding being,” and so …

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

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self help

Domestic Violence: Safety Plans

Jun 20, 2020 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 3 min read · ; ; ; ; .

Domestic violence is seldom a one-off incident. Rather, It is a pattern that repeats itself. If you or someone you know suffers from intimate terrorism prepare a “safety plan” much in advance.

The most frequent types of physical abuse include getting slapped, grabbed, pushed, shoved, kicked, choked, bit, struck with an object or whipped. Over 90% of those physically abused are women. If your female friend is being abused, It is not uncommon to see that she makes excuses for frequent wounds or bruises that are visible on her face/ body. It is possible that she covers up for her partner due to these feelings of fear and insecurity. Such a friend might also start socially withdrawing or avoiding meeting you as a result. Inconsistency at work without reason is also possible as a result. If you have a friend who is being abused, it is not uncommon to see that they are numb, detached, and their emotional responsiveness is muted. They could also suffer from low self-esteem, depression or anxiety. One way to help such a person is to be there for them and to let them know that you are concerned about them. It is also important to ask them what they would like to happen in the future and that you are there to help. Very slowly and gently give them information to let them know their rights and guide them to intelligence on the skills necessary to maintain physical and emotional safety.  Refer them to a doctor who can further assist them.

Safety Plan

A] Inform a confidante
B] Keep emergency numbers at hand or on speed dial with you and your confidante
[Doctors / Family / Friends / Helplines]
C] Where can you seek safe shelter ? Keep your options ever-ready
D] Prepare a bag of essentials
(1) Cash
(2) Masks
(3) Sanitizers
(4) Other medications
(5) Phone & charger
(6) Identification (passport/license/aadhar card/ PAN card)
(7) A change of clothing for self (and child)
(8) important records such as birth certificates, financial documents, school records, etc and
(9) water-bottle, dates or other dried-fruits to-go
E] Document any evidence that might be of legal help in the future

Learn more about domestic violence and what it is (Click on the article):
Article 1 written for Femina by me | Article 2 written for Femina by me

Whom should I contact if I am at risk (India)
National Commission for Women : http://ncw.nic.in/
SNEHA is a Mumbai based non-profit organisation
Snehalaya is a Pune based short and long stay safe house that provides legal aid, refuge and alternatives to those experiencing harassment, discrimination and domestic violence.
Click on these numbers available from The Hindu
Click on Saahas to access a directory of support across 196 countries. They are a feminist and peace-oriented tech and AI that supports survivors of gender-based violence and fosters active bystander intervention.

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self help

Coping with the Death of a Loved One

May 20, 2020 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 4 min read · ; ; ; .

We grieve for those whom you were attached to. Where there was deep love, you will feel deep sorrow. There will be a profound awareness of something gone. Some of us will react to this separation by crying, others by silent contemplation. Old memories will rush back and you will want to re-experience your loved one, the smell of their clothes, the feel of their touch, the last conversations, the first recollections. It will hurt –  it does hurt a lot and like any kind of pain, It is hard to share with anyone else “exactly” how it feels, even if they are hurting as well. 

For as long as there has been life there has also been death – Death was here before you were born and will be here long after you die. Everyone around you has, is, or will experience losing someone they love. You will never be alone in this experience.

How do we cope with grief and how do we move on?

As a psychologist who has studied it and more importantly experienced losing loved ones almost every year since 2015, the hardest one being January 14th 2020, which is recent – I try to compile and combine my experience with the theories “out there.” Elizabeth Kublër Ross is the most quoted scientist on the study of death and dying, followed by David Kessler. My views differ slightly from theirs. I do not believe in life before and after death, and for someone like me, death is final. This makes it very, very painful as well.

Methods that I used to cope with my “Cosmic Ouch” as I like to call it.

Lesson 1 : I acknowledged that it hurts. And I said ouch, ouch, ouch.
Lesson 2 : I cried a “happy cry” because It was mixed with love and sadness in the same trickle
Lesson 3 : I felt no thirst but I drank water
Lesson 4 : I felt no hunger but I ate morsels
Lesson 5 : I felt alone yet I greeted people and hugged those I loved
Lesson 6 : I felt no sleep, but I lied down
Lesson 7 : I felt pain – there was a void in the pit of my tummy or heart that was spasmodic
Lesson 8 : I felt weak, but I had a bath
Lesson 9 : I felt sad, but I went to work
Lesson 10: Days became months and you learn to make space for pain, rather than resist it.

Time and saying “YES to life in spite of everything” have been the 2 medicaments that have healed me slowly. I am doing exactly as “she” for whom I grieve had asked me to do. I do not reject the pain, but neither do I indulge it.
I also try follow the manual she game me to “live life Queen-size”

“Don’t look back, only forward and onward”
“Get up tomorrow, go to work, despite yourself”
“Don’t ask how life is treating you. How are YOU treating life?”
“Heartbreak, Divorces and death, mean new beginnings, tell your clients that.”
“Always carry a handkerchief. You never know whom you’re going to make cry”

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self help

Sleep and the Noisy Brain

Aug 20, 2018 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 5 min read · ; ; .

The moment I lie down, it is as if the chamber of secrets in my brain gets an invitation to open up – darkness, doom, death, destruction, decay –worries and what if’s weigh me down. I walk down the staircase of negative possibilities unable to stop myself.

If you don’t remember the last time you felt rested, first and foremost meet with a doctor and rule out any underlying medical/age-related sleep problems including but not limited to menopausal symptoms in women and prostate problems in men. Next follow the plan below.

A 21-day 3-step plan to help with your sleep

Step 1 is environmental, popularly called as “Sleep hygiene” and written about extensively. In order to quiet the noisy mind, doctors recommend limiting caffeine and alcohol close to bedtime. They propose avoiding exercise right before bed. This apart they suggest blocking out unwanted light by wearing eye shades and unwanted noise by using ear plugs or by listening to white noise. Screens are a definite NO before bedtime. It is highly advisable to mute your phones or better still, keep them out of your bedroom altogether. Some people prefer to sleep and wake up early and others prefer to sleep and wake up late – researchers focus more on the duration and quality of sleep than on sleep and wake up ‘time’ per sé.

Step 2 is behavioural. Simply put, you learn to do things a certain way, and get used to this way over time. Sometimes you pick up ways that you find difficult to get rid of – let’s call these “habits.” After years of brushing your teeth in a specific ritualistic manner, if I ask you to change the direction from where you begin to brush, you will need to unlearn and relearn a whole new technique – DRAT !! This takes reluctance, time and practice.  For starters, try to limit sleep to only the night. Get your body to physically relax – some people use yoga, progressive muscle relaxation, guided meditation, guided imagery, massages, repetitive chanting (“one black sheep, two black sheep…) tai chi and/or qigong. Calming music helps. Your bed and your bedroom should be decluttered. You are schooling your mind to understand that beds are for sleeping and tuning out not in, and this symbolism helps.

Step 3 is cognitive. As soon as you step into bed the band baaja baraat begins. Enter – horrible, terrible, worrisome thought number 1.  Either you welcome this unwelcome guest or you don’t. When you bargain with yourself regarding the “importance” of this guest, remind yourself that good sleep, in the long run, increases your longevity and reduces your morbidity. You get more done when you are sick less, and live longer. Worry number 1 has no good immediate solution and brings with it uninvited worry number 2, 3 and 4. “If only” all problems could be solved simply by worrying about them – at least then, worrying would be a constructive exercise. A simple solution to this problem of unwanted worries is to schedule them into your day.

Every day I keep aside 20 minutes in the evening to worry.

When at night my mind starts worrying, I ask to carry it forward to the following day at my scheduled worry-time. If you are familiar with the Japanese 5S methodology for organising spaces in order to work efficiently, effectively, and safely – I apply the same with my mind. There is a time for everything and everything has its time – therefore, there is a time to worry and worrying has its time – that time is not at bedtime.

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self help

Andaz Apna Apna (To Each His Own)

Jul 20, 2018 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 4 min read · ; ; ; ; ; .

Female clients in psychotherapy have shared with me these insecurities related to sex:

“I’ve never had an orgasm. Am I normal?”
“I seldom have orgasms during sex. Maybe it’s because I don’t love him?”
“Sex is painful, but it’s my duty to my husband. I just close my eyes and wait until it’s over”
“I don’t know how to masturbate. Besides, Isn’t it wrong?”
“I feel guilty masturbating when I have a partner. Shouldn’t I be satisfied with him?
“I’m not good in bed. Is it because I’m not pretty?”

These personal insecurities reflect broader, societal views about sexual intimacy, and this is found in a wide variety of literatures, academic and popular (i.e., bolly/holly/other-woods, books, newspapers, stories, and pornography).
For example (click on the links to read more):

“Orgasms during intercourse are easy”
“I can’t orgasm with someone I’m not in love with”
“In childhood a female must be subject to her father, in youth to her husband, when her lord is dead to her sons; a woman must never be independent”
“Clitoral orgasms (versus vaginal ones) are due to immature psychological defence mechanisms” (Sigmund Freud)
“Female orgasm during sex increases chances of pregnancy” (The upsuck theory)

On the absence of sex-education in Indian schools :

With a population of 1.3 crore Indians and counting, it is ironic that the government has denied sex education in schools claiming that it “is a western concept. It will corrupt our youth and be anathema to traditional Indian values. It will lead to promiscuity and irresponsible behaviour.” Not only do we need to encourage scientifically correct and aesthetically superior sex education to Indians but also point to good sources for guided experimentation. The gap between our idiosyncratic beliefs and good science depends on the right information going out, not a denial of information altogether.

Resources to educate yourself

1. Its important to know and understand your Vulvovaginal anatomy. Here is some help : https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/vulvovaginal/ along-with an aesthetic representation of the vulva : https://www.thevulvagallery.com/


2. The Kinsey institute and Indiana University (US) undertook the first-ever, large-scale research, and published it in peer-reviewed journals. Then this group of researchers, filmmakers, engineers, designers, educators and sexologists published this website to teach more about sex : https://www.omgyes.com/en/


3. Another (less academic) website that promotes a positive body image and sex education : https://dodsonandross.com/


4. The ‘orgasm for better reproductive success’ is a myth as demonstrated in this Ted Talk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02qKAcxrnpQ


5. Here is a four-part series that dives into the sexuality of modern India by Rytasha Rathore, called “A VICE Guide To Sex In India” where she meets people at the centre of India’s sex positive revolution through its most intimate obsessions and explicit moments. https://video.vice.com/en_in/video/asking-for-a-friend-sex-education-in-india/5b55ee8cbe407720983ec241

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self help

Love: It’s Rocket Science

Jun 20, 2018 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 3 min read · ; ; ; ; .

Love and marriage, love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage
Dad was told by mother
You can’t have one, you can´t have none
You can’t have one without the other
– Frank Sinatra

No love, no marriage

In the 1980’s, a group of researchers talked to a WHOLE lot of young people and asked them…
Would you marry a person you weren’t “in love with,” but who had all the qualities you desired in a partner?
Over 80% said : NO

Honoré Fragonard – Les Progrès de l’amour : Le rendez-vous

Happily never after

Another group of researchers found couples who married for love and followed them for 20 years. They expected to find some version of “happily ever after,” barring the stressful child-bearing years. What they found, however, was that over time, each partner’s satisfaction plummeted, and intimacy—ranging from confiding in each other to having sexual intercourse—greatly subsided.

Marriage kills love?

It’s easy to see marriage as the culprit. After all, love was there first. But the opposite turns out to be true: love—at least the “romantic” kind filled with sexual desire fueled by neurobiology—was the greatest contributor to marital unhappiness.

Love stinks?

Well, no, but that depends on how you define love. Researchers have recorded 216 unique types of love! The most endearing and enduring kind is compassionate love, defined as
“an attitude toward other(s). . .containing feelings, cognitions, and behaviors that are focused on caring, concern, tenderness, and an orientation toward supporting, helping, and understanding the other(s), particularly when the other(s) is/are perceived to be suffering or in need”

Warts and all

In every working relationship, positive and negative sentiments sit side by side. The predictor that a marriage may be headed for divorce is the absence of any positive feelings, not the presence of negative ones (We aren’t discussing toxic relationships with abusive behaviours or addictions).

François Gérard – Psyche Receiving Cupid’s First Kiss (1798)

How much is too much?

They say it’s a 5:1 ratio; for every 5 positive things, there’s a negative. But it’s not just “the thing” or the among of things—it’s how you resolve your feelings about “the thing,” your residual sentiment. Feelings of compassion can be cultivated ♥ over time.

What can be done with what we know?

Setting the right expectations about love, navigating complexities in relationships, dealing with heart-break or boredom, the work-love balance and communication skills, needs to happen early-on.

Love is not just an emotion. It’s an attitude and one that will always remain ‘a work in progress.’

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self help

Wreck-It Ralph

May 20, 2018 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 4 min read · ; ; ; ; ; .
“Never trust spiritual leader who cannot dance.” – Mr. Miyagi, The karate kid (1984)

On making mistakes

At a very young age we are instructed “Don’t make the same mistake twice.” Exclamations of “tch” if our child misspells a word or gets her numbers wrong. As a new businesswoman, in a new job role, in a new relationship or at school, we go to great lengths to be flawless, to get that perfect score. After all, we want us and ours to be the best. We especially do not want to blunder in situations that count. We would prefer that a surgeon performing a life-saving surgery be faultless. Rationally and logically speaking, we are all fallible and will always be inclined to err.

The problems of learning

A review conducted at the Department of Psychology, Columbia University gives us beautiful insights into the problems of learning and performance. It emphasizes the importance of make mistakes, being given corrective feedback constructively and teaching children early-on to develop a higher tolerance to receive such feedback.

The win-win situation

In a business as a new-comer, if the goal is optimal performance in high-stakes situations, then it is important to take decisions confidently in low stakes situations. If your decision is correct, mazel tov! If the decision is incorrect, corrective feedback that is given – including an analysis of the reasoning leading up to the mistake, optimizes learning – Growth !

Losing is winning

Keeping in mind that one must encourage and allow mistakes – it is equally important that the teacher / mentor use this opportunity to exercise exploratory learning strategies rather than rate you – criticize or punish. It is also important to distinguish between making an error and being a mistake. Self-rating of any form is unhealthy. We all perform poorly in some tasks more than others and this does not make us “failures.”

Ignoring errors is an opportunity lost!

In the classroom situation, a child who gives the correct answer is praised, even awarded a ‘place’ – photographs are taken and posted. Incorrect answers and deviant correct answers are never discussed, and in fact – usually ignored. “The winner takes it all” so to speak. The main purpose that such reinforcement serves in a school setting where errors are not constructively addressed, is to establish authority of say, the teacher, as someone who can confer awards. It is one thing to assert power, and another to be invested in teaching or learning. In businesses, they say that discussing potential errors, or errors that one has made as the mentor, also helps the learning process.

When and how should feedback be given ?

It is not necessary that feedback be immediate for learning to occur. Lab experiments show that even when feedback is given as much as one week later (delayed feedback), it helps get the attention of the learner. In some situations however (such as the classroom) immediate feedback benefits students better. Rather than a “right” or “wrong” – Deep analysis leads to discovery and better retention.

The roots of shame, guilt, depression lie in self-rating

Apart from the obvious facilitation of learning, the emotional consequences of grasping from very early on that – to err is human, and necessary – can eventually mean more resilient humans

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self help

The Big Picture: Understanding Dyslexia

Apr 20, 2018 · By RADHIKA BAPAT · 8 min read · ; ; .

Percy Jackson: “A half-blood of the eldest dogs…”
Annabeth : “Er, Percy? That’s gods, not dogs”
– Rick Riordan in The Lightning Thief

When our dear son was 3 years old, I noticed that as kind, creative, and intelligent as he was, he did not gravitate with curiosity towards decoding words written on paper in two dimensions. He liked listening to stories like The Secret Life of Walter Mitty by James Thurber, narrated to him by his grandmother. We read him Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book—the long versions with no pictures. He memorized a lot of it, and was able to point out the differences in the movie version. Whereas he absolutely loved being read to and began using big words rather early on, he resisted the “putting pen to paper” things that other kids his age did with ease. My husband and I have 45 years of formal education between us. We have had a lifelong affair with words and reading. The thought did occur to us, “How could our son have fallen so far from the tree?” More about how the diagnosis happened in later posts. For now :

What is dyslexia or reading disability?

Written works are meant to function as a means of communication. For them to be effective, we must be able to (1) decode and (2) comprehend text. Dyslexics have difficulties with decoding written matter. Comprehension is not an issue/ Sensory abilities are intact/ Intelligence is intact.

Under the CC license by Brandi-Redd at Unsplash

Is dyslexia the same as dysgraphia or language processing disorder?

Nope. The larger category of Learning disabilities under which dyslexia falls, can be of many types. More on that in later posts.

How do you diagnose dyslexia?

The diagnosis of dyslexia is tricky. Unlike categorical disorders which you can either have or not have, dyslexia lies on a continuum. This continuum is a distribution of age-appropriate word reading ability. Ideally in India, a clinical psychologist with an Mphil degree (an M.A/M.Sc or a Ph.D is not enough) and an Occupational therapist, together, can be trusted to not miss out on a learning disability.

Our son with the Ladybird series

How many children in the normal population are diagnosed with dyslexia?

Epidemiological studies have put the number at a very high 7%.

Can happy children from well-to-do families, exposed to rich language, surrounded by doting parents/ grandparents/ caregivers still suffer from dyslexia?

Absolutely. There is very strong evidence of genetic influences in the disorder. Neuropsychological studies show that some deficits are often present in family members of dyslexics who have not necessarily met with the entire diagnostic criteria or who have coped due to fewer pressures at school or tricks that they used to get by (and a LOT of hard work).

Has there been any change in intelligence or reading ability over the years?

Probably. In psychology, the (debated) Flynn effect is the sustained increase in intelligence test scores from the 1930’s to the present-day. This effect has also been seen for reading ability. This means that 5-year olds in 1930 were required to read at a lower level than 5-year olds in 1945, and so on, to date. So, it assumes that my son reads more at first grade in 2018 than I did in 1986.

At what age can I diagnose my child as dyslexic?

It is a regular practice to either not diagnose or to delay diagnosis of dyslexia until a child turns 8 or 9 years old. This is known as the “wait to fail” model. Children are referred to Special education only after “normal instruction” doesn’t work. By this time, a child who is obviously intelligent and working very hard is told “you are not working hard enough.” Damage to his self-esteem is apparent. It is very important to refer children who are “struggling readers” compared to their classmates by age 4 or 5. Don’t “wait for them to grow out of it” – Early interventions have the best results.

Woodrow Wilson’s personal typewriter (Wilson suffered from dyslexia, and did not learn to read until he was 10 years old)

How can I help my child who is dyslexic, cope?

The challenge for a parent of a young (6 year old) dyslexic is to schedule 30-minute intensive and structured, yet enjoyable interventions daily.


1. Children with dyslexia benefit from individual sessions and small group settings. They do much worse in larger classroom settings.


2. Dyslexics benefit from explicit instructions :
(a) These instructions include training in phoneme awareness, word analysis, reading fluency and reading comprehension. A list of good (and licensed) special educators in poona follows in another blogpost.
(b) Such children should be given reading of increasingly difficult connected text along with writing exercises and comprehension strategies. My personal favourite is the “Key words with Peter and Jane” by W. Murray book series (36 books) published by Ladybird.
(c) In order to maintain the gains from treatment, consistency is the key.
Neuro-imaging studies show that such remediation, especially early on, in children with reading difficulties alters their brain activity.

What are the evidence based treatments/ intervention programs for struggling readers?

Training in rapid auditory processing and exercise/movement-based treatments (e.g.,vestibular training) by licensed Special educators and Occupational therapists (respectively) along-with Visual treatments (e.g.,coloured lenses, vision therapy) are scientifically proven to help dyslexics. I am currently in the process of evaluating which one’s are the best (online and in poona).

English versus Marathi/Hindi – my opinion?

In dyslexia, one measures (1) reading accuracy and (2) speed of reading.
In some European languages such as Italian or Finnish, and Indian languages such as Marathi and Hindi – problems exist more with speed of reading than with reading accuracy. This is because Marathi or Hindi are highly phonetic i.e their written form (Devanagari Script) can predict how words are pronounced. As a neuropsychologist, I always encourage exposing a child to several languages. However, when it comes to reading, especially for a child with dyslexia, I go with the language most used at home. In our case, unfortunately, this is English. The English-language does not have such letter-sound correspondence and so our son and we, struggle with both accuracy and speed of reading.

Reference :

Peterson, R. L., & Pennington, B. F. (2015). Developmental Dyslexia. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 11, 283- 307.