Female clients in psychotherapy have shared with me these insecurities related to sex:
“I’ve never had an orgasm. Am I normal?”
“I seldom have orgasms during sex. Maybe it’s because I don’t love him?”
“Sex is painful, but it’s my duty to my husband. I just close my eyes and wait until it’s over”
“I don’t know how to masturbate. Besides, Isn’t it wrong?”
“I feel guilty masturbating when I have a partner. Shouldn’t I be satisfied with him?
“I’m not good in bed. Is it because I’m not pretty?”
These personal insecurities reflect broader, societal views about sexual intimacy, and this is found in a wide variety of literatures, academic and popular (i.e., bolly/holly/other-woods, books, newspapers, stories, and pornography).
For example (click on the links to read more):
“Orgasms during intercourse are easy”
“I can’t orgasm with someone I’m not in love with”
“In childhood a female must be subject to her father, in youth to her husband, when her lord is dead to her sons; a woman must never be independent”
“Clitoral orgasms (versus vaginal ones) are due to immature psychological defence mechanisms” (Sigmund Freud)
“Female orgasm during sex increases chances of pregnancy” (The upsuck theory)
On the absence of sex-education in Indian schools :
With a population of 1.3 crore Indians and counting, it is ironic that the government has denied sex education in schools claiming that it “is a western concept. It will corrupt our youth and be anathema to traditional Indian values. It will lead to promiscuity and irresponsible behaviour.” Not only do we need to encourage scientifically correct and aesthetically superior sex education to Indians but also point to good sources for guided experimentation. The gap between our idiosyncratic beliefs and good science depends on the right information going out, not a denial of information altogether.
Resources to educate yourself
1. Its important to know and understand your Vulvovaginal anatomy. Here is some help : https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/vulvovaginal/ along-with an aesthetic representation of the vulva : https://www.thevulvagallery.com/
2. The Kinsey institute and Indiana University (US) undertook the first-ever, large-scale research, and published it in peer-reviewed journals. Then this group of researchers, filmmakers, engineers, designers, educators and sexologists published this website to teach more about sex : https://www.omgyes.com/en/
3. Another (less academic) website that promotes a positive body image and sex education : https://dodsonandross.com/
4. The ‘orgasm for better reproductive success’ is a myth as demonstrated in this Ted Talk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02qKAcxrnpQ
5. Here is a four-part series that dives into the sexuality of modern India by Rytasha Rathore, called “A VICE Guide To Sex In India” where she meets people at the centre of India’s sex positive revolution through its most intimate obsessions and explicit moments. https://video.vice.com/en_in/video/asking-for-a-friend-sex-education-in-india/5b55ee8cbe407720983ec241