Categories
self help

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

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[to Simon Bishop] “Nelly, you’re a disgrace to depression.”
– Melvin Udall, As Good As it Gets

“The only memory of my father I have is the regular beating we got from him. He died young of liver cirrhosis. My mother had psychotic episodes, but at the time we did not know what to call it. She died young. We were raised by a rich uncle who remained a bachelor. I have my own law-firm in Mumbai. I have a beautiful wife & two daughters. I live in a grand sea-facing apartment. What more could I ask for, right? A few years back, I started noticing how incredibly lonely and miserable I felt. I avoided parties. I started drinking a lot. I felt guilty yet helpless. I looked down the balcony of my building, and the thought occurred to me several times…should I, or shouldn’t I?

Image under the CC license by World Economic Forum

And then, one morning I read an interview. Someone with a penchant for badminton like myself– constantly being judged, and who’s image, like mine, depended a great deal on public perception, above all, a woman – society is less forgiving to them, Deepika Padukone ‘came out’ on her struggle with depression. I decided, to hell with what people think, I need to fix this problem before it kills me. At first, my friends tried hard to get me to do yoga and pranayama – their solution to all of life’s problems. When this did not work, my wife pushed me into seeing a psychiatrist friend of hers. Later, I was referred to you, to sort out my issues” Ms.Padukone saved one life that day

A decade ago, Dr.Dinesh Bhugra who is currently president of the World Psychiatric Association, on an investigation of how mental illness is portrayed in Bollywood. Until that day however, I had never paid heed to the role of celebrities, media, television and books on my profession. I seldom watched movies, TV was a no-no. I read up on how popular media has sometimes helped fight the stigma while at other times fostered more prejudice. Either way, the masses connected with these mediums. I made it my job to watch as many movies as I could, keep abreast of the latest trends and read biographies. At parties, I have conversations about them. The oscillation between enkindling the desire to seek psychiatric help and extinguishing that very desire varies between storylines and people. I make it my business to understand how an audience internalizes these portrayals and how they get influenced by antipathetic scripts.

Scientific literature seems to suggest that the dramatic nature of character representations can amplify emotional effects and can motivate paradigm shifts in peoples attitudes. In therapy, I need for my clients to have not just intellectual but also emotional insights, “an epiphany”, if you will. I oftentimes therefore, use examples from movies during interventions. I regularly prescribe biographies, readings, animations and movies.
My all time favorite prose, and one that I apply to my own life is from the Harry Potter series. It is a charm called “Riddikulus!” that makes Bogarts (that manifests into a form of something you truly fear) less threatening.

Categories
self help

Sex and the City

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Physics is like sex: Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.  — Richard Feynman

“I have a 2 year old, that constantly tugs at us and still wakes up twice every night. She sleeps in our bed. Anita and I work an 8 to 8 job. We’ve been together for 6 years. Her body looks like a battlefield. These celebrity billboards …set the bar high. We can count the number of times we have sex in a year. When we do, it feels like a learned motion. How the hell do I navigate my sexual desires and hers – the sexual clashes that we have, and does that even matter for our satisfaction as a couple in the long run?” I told my client about an interesting 2017 review of research on human relationships by the scientist Amy Muise. It mentioned the “self-determination theory” in sexual happiness and couple well-being. Women (and men) who have sex for the sake of sex, because they enjoy being sexual or because of the pleasure derived from sharing an intimate experience are best off. Those that indulge in sexual acts for reasons that have to do with “control” such as feeling bad to withhold from a partner or feeling pressurized to have sex (for fear that the partner will seek intimacy outside of the relationship) are worse off. Being on the same page (sexually), BOTH partners enjoying the autonomy, the competence and the feeling “sexually connected” is associated with an ultimately positive sexual experience that leaves you wanting for more…

The Learning Curve

1. Understand that “Sex with no head, is like sandwich with no bread” – Its true. The neurons of the ventral tegmental area also associated with the natural reward circuitry of the brain (and orgasms) produce the neurotransmitter dopamine and pump it to several other brain areas.


2. In layman terms, you’ve both gotto be digging it. It’s not just enough that YOU feel sexy, in control and turned on. It is equally important that your partner feel the same way. Whatever works to get yourself there, “Just Do it.” That means, working on your relationship. On saying “Please, Thank you, and Sorry.”


3. Love thy body. Teach your partner to love her/his too. It requires you to filter out all that crap fed to you by the media. The body-image peddlers, the pushers. The ones that sell “clean-shaven” and “unblemished” as beautiful.


4. Start learning to be disinhibited and to express your needs to your partner. You may think you dislike the smell, taste or look of something. Unlearn these oceans of notions. If your partner enjoys something, if it’s safe and not painful, go for it.


5. Mutual consent. Remember that positive sexually-emotional experiences for BOTH, beget the need for more such escapades. If either person is even slightly reluctant or feels obliged, back-off and start from top again, from the head.